Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Inducement Experiment (-1 Days)

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Intro
My fellow first time pregnants, beware! While your friends and family are coughing out their kids early, your due date may come and go and leave you with nothing but an in-box of “Is she here yet?” messages.

“I’ve been counting down to this day for nine freaking months, and you're only just now telling me I might still have to wait two more weeks for my baby?”

“I want a refund. No one told me this in the beginning.”

“This is really going to mess with our schedule.”

“I have to be back to work in four weeks, so the longer she takes – the less time I will have with her. If that’s the way she wants it, fine!”


Does this make you weird? Does it mean something is wrong with your child? Is this just the start of her not measuring up to the other kids on the block? Will she ever come out? Is it too late to change your mind and just not have this kid?

Don’t despair. Most first time pregnants are late. In fact, you should just expect it. Perhaps you should even tell friends and family that the due date is a month later than it actually is, because it is their constant checking in on the arrival of your little bundle that builds up all the excitement and consequent disappointment when it doesn’t happen.

But is there something you can do about it? Can labor be naturally induced? Before you begin an exhaustive internet search and max out the storage capacity of your new Buzz account, let’s find out if even one of these natural methods can actually induce labor.

Purpose
The purpose of “The Inducement Experiment” is to discover if labor can be naturally induced. By folding every potential inducement method into one day, we have no way of knowing which method might actually do the trick. But we should be able to determine if any one of them or combination of them is able to naturally induce labor within a 24 hour period of time.

Methodology
Starting at 9 AM today, I set out on an expedition with my assistant Jacques the Explorer.

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The experiment began with a solicitation from friends and family for natural inducement methods. After an exhaustive review of this list, the most popular methods were selected for testing. Jacques was the record keeper as we set out into the snow on our quest.

Here are the most popular recommended methods for naturally inducing labor.

  • Eat pineapple


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  • Ingest a large amount of beets


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  • Drink Red Raspberry leaf tea


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  • Eat hot and spicy foods


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  • Participate in reflexology, acupuncture and/or a chiropractic adjustment


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  • Engage in sexual activity resulting in mutual orgasm

  • (Photo removed by request from "Save the Whales" Foundation)

  • Walk, walk and walk some more



(Video shot and edited by my loving husband)


Summary of Findings
  • Pineapple is difficult to find in the middle of an early February blizzard.
  • Beets taste much better when they are pickled.

  • Red Raspberry leaf tea has very little, if any flavor, but tastes much better when eaten with pineapple.

  • Pineapple causes sour burps for an hour and I might be developing three new canker sours.

  • Habanero peppers are very, very spicy.

  • Reflexology feels very good, as does massage, but should be performed by a professional as the slightest shift of hand could have dire effects.

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  • In order to have sex resulting in mutual orgasm at nine months and 1 day pregnant, one must find some way to feel remotely sexy.

  • In order to have sex resulting in mutual orgasm at nine months and 1 day pregnant, one must be very flexible.

  • If one really wants to have sex resulting in mutual orgasm at nine months and 1 day pregnant, it’s best one not eat 1.5 pineapples, three pickled beets, ½ pound of spicy taco meat, a habanero pepper, and arrabiata pasta within an hour of said attempt.

  • Walking in a blizzard at nine months and 1 day pregnant is harder than walking at seven months pregnant on Venice Beach.

  • Walking in a blizzard at nine months and 1 day pregnant, then eating 1.5 pineapples, three pickled beets, ½ pound of spicy taco meat, a habanero pepper, arrabiata pasta and then trying to have sex resulting in mutual orgasm is not advised.


Evaluations
While not yet inducing labor, most of the tactics did make Baby Hedvig wiggle around. And while not yet inducing labor, eating 1.5 pineapples, three pickled beets, ½ pound of spicy taco meat, a habanero pepper, and arrabiata pasta does cause severe indigestion and funky gas. Which I can see passing for false labor.

Results
To be determined. As a full 24 hours has not passed since the start of the experiment, the results are currently inconclusive. The clock is ticking and Hedvig has about twelve hours left to prove that one of these methods was actually effective. Tune in tomorrow for final results.
UPDATE:**Baby born within 24 hours of this post, January 11th, 2000 at 7:00 PM**

4 comments:

Mimi said...

I'm laughing so hard I'm crying!!Ingrid, you are modern day "Erma Bombeck"! I have loved all your blogs, but this one is hilarious!! And I loved the video and pictures, Gabe!
Mimi

Rachel said...

Ingrid, you are hilarious! Hopefully one of those methods (if not all) will work!

Maiken. said...

HA HA! They worked! I'm so glad- good for future reference... or not. I had a dream last night about a baby hedgehog and you:) I love you, lady- congratulations!

Ligia said...

Hysterical! Thanks for the laugh, God knows I needed it!

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