The Inducement Experiment (-1 Days)

Intro
My fellow first time pregnants, beware! While your friends and family are coughing out their kids early, your due date may come and go and leave you with nothing but an in-box of “Is she here yet?” messages.

“I’ve been counting down to this day for nine freaking months, and you're only just now telling me I might still have to wait two more weeks for my baby?”

“I want a refund. No one told me this in the beginning.”

“This is really going to mess with our schedule.”

“I have to be back to work in four weeks, so the longer she takes – the less time I will have with her. If that’s the way she wants it, fine!”

Does this make you weird? Does it mean something is wrong with your child? Is this just the start of her not measuring up to the other kids on the block? Will she ever come out? Is it too late to change your mind and just not have this kid?

Don’t despair. Most first time pregnants are late. In fact, you should just expect it. Perhaps you should even tell friends and family that the due date is a month later than it actually is, because it is their constant checking in on the arrival of your little bundle that builds up all the excitement and consequent disappointment when it doesn’t happen.

But is there something you can do about it? Can labor be naturally induced? Before you begin an exhaustive internet search and max out the storage capacity of your new Buzz account, let’s find out if even one of these natural methods can actually induce labor.

Purpose
The purpose of “The Inducement Experiment” is to discover if labor can be naturally induced. By folding every potential inducement method into one day, we have no way of knowing which method might actually do the trick. But we should be able to determine if any one of them or combination of them is able to naturally induce labor within a 24 hour period of time.

Methodology
Starting at 9 AM today, I set out on an expedition with my assistant Jacques the Explorer.

The experiment began with a solicitation from friends and family for natural inducement methods. After an exhaustive review of this list, the most popular methods were selected for testing. Jacques was the record keeper as we set out into the snow on our quest.

Here are the most popular recommended methods for naturally inducing labor.

• Eat pineapple







• Ingest a large amount of beets







• Drink Red Raspberry leaf tea







• Eat hot and spicy foods








• Participate in reflexology, acupuncture and/or a chiropractic adjustment








• Engage in sexual activity resulting in mutual orgasm

(Photo removed by request from "Save the Whales" Foundation)

• Walk, walk and walk some more

(Video shot and edited by my loving husband)

Summary of Findings

• Pineapple is difficult to find in the middle of an early February blizzard.

• Beets taste much better when they are pickled.


• Red Raspberry leaf tea has very little, if any flavor, but tastes much better when eaten with pineapple.


• Pineapple causes sour burps for an hour and I might be developing three new canker sours.


• Habanero peppers are very, very spicy.


• Reflexology feels very good, as does massage, but should be performed by a professional as the slightest shift of hand could have dire effects.



• In order to have sex resulting in mutual orgasm at nine months and 1 day pregnant, one must find some way to feel remotely sexy.


• In order to have sex resulting in mutual orgasm at nine months and 1 day pregnant, one must be very flexible.


• If one really wants to have sex resulting in mutual orgasm at nine months and 1 day pregnant, it’s best one not eat 1.5 pineapples, three pickled beets, ½ pound of spicy taco meat, a habanero pepper, and arrabiata pasta within an hour of said attempt.


• Walking in a blizzard at nine months and 1 day pregnant is harder than walking at seven months pregnant on Venice Beach.


• Walking in a blizzard at nine months and 1 day pregnant, then eating 1.5 pineapples, three pickled beets, ½ pound of spicy taco meat, a habanero pepper, arrabiata pasta and then trying to have sex resulting in mutual orgasm is not advised.

Evaluations
While not yet inducing labor, most of the tactics did make Baby Hedvig wiggle around. And while not yet inducing labor, eating 1.5 pineapples, three pickled beets, ½ pound of spicy taco meat, a habanero pepper, and arrabiata pasta does cause severe indigestion and funky gas. Which I can see passing for false labor.

Results
To be determined. As a full 24 hours has not passed since the start of the experiment, the results are currently inconclusive. The clock is ticking and Hedvig has about twelve hours left to prove that one of these methods was actually effective. Tune in tomorrow for final results.

UPDATE:**Baby born within 24 hours of this post, January 11th, 2000 at 7:00 PM**

The Experiment - Post Analysis

Introduction

Beginning August 9th, I began a social experiment. I gave up attention seeking behavior for 30-days. I was not allowed to go on any dates; flirt with any boys, small animals or large groups of gay men; or draw attention towards myself in group settings.


Background

My dating life had become a scene from the movie ‘Groundhogs Day’. I just kept having the same date over and over and over again—with different men. We meet for coffee, I smile, he charms. We extend coffee into a walk through some New York Park. We nearly always eat ice cream and share off the same spoon. I tell the same jokes. He laughs at the same point in the story. I think the first time I told the funny story it was original and witty and cute. But now that I have told it fifteen times on this same park bench I feel like a dating machine.

Night falls we stroll, he grabs my hand, I act like this is just so special. Because that trick always works and I’m sure I once really believed it.

He stops me and we kiss. We kiss on every street corner between said park, restaurant or bar and my little apartment in Union Square. We look in same shop windows. I always stop at the pet store on the corner and pretend to spontaneously suggest we go in and hold the dogs. We convince shop owner we are moving in together and looking for a pet. Shop owner looks at me like I’m a fucking nut case because I’ve been in every other night with a different guy pulling the same shit. Date and I leave and just as we reach French Roast, as if on cue--we collapse in giggles.

Mine, are fake.

We arrive at my door, he tries to talk himself upstairs, I decline. We make-out on New York street. And I’m getting what I want… twenty minutes of feeling like the center of this person’s universe. Twenty minutes of pure attention.

This is a New York Date.

I can predict the next move like I’m watching a re-run of Three’s Company.

After another repetitive and unoriginal date I realized I needed to give myself a break. I decided to cut men out of my life for 30 days.

I’m tired of it… I’m tired of the hangover of too many dates in one week. I’m tired of feeling cravings for attention and mistaking them for cravings for men. Or worse, one man in particular. I’m tired of picking girlfriends based on the amount of male attention their friendship will garner, only to discover they are shitty friends. I’m tired of making fun of the people I love in order to gain more attention from a room full of strangers. I’m tired of thinking there isn’t enough attention in the world to fill me up.

For all these reason, I enacted the experiment.


Purpose

To discover if I have something else to offer others than my sexuality and playfulness. To push myself to engage fully with friends and family in a loving way. To rid myself of an obstacle wedged between who I am now and who I would like to become.


Methodology

The rules:

1. No extended eye contact
2. No flirty conversation with strangers
3. No witty banter with the coffee guy
4. No back and forth with the Taxi driver
5. No striking up conversations on the Subway, not with old couples vacationing from Florida, not with other peoples kids and definitely not with any cute boys
6. No calling ex-boyfriends
7. No accepting dates
8. No dominating dinner table conversations
9. No jokes at anyone’s expense
10. I must remain in my friends lives-connected and committed
11. I must strive to be present in every conversation with another human being

The time period expires September 8, 2005.

Summary of Findings

· First lesson of giving something up is the sudden realization of how often we did it before. I am sickened by how many times in one day I have to stop myself.
· Week one I am grumpy and uptight. I don’t want to go out or engage with friends because I wasn’t don’t know how to act.
· I note that several of my girlfriends find my experiment makes me boring and have an expectation for me to entertain or engage in the kind of attention seeking behavior that brings lots of men over to the table.
· I’m afraid people wont like me if when I first meet them I don’t get there attention. But I’m also afraid that my current friends wont stick around if I don’t try and entertain them.
· A guy from a meeting I regularly attend asks me to join him at an AA meeting later in the week. I don’t think it is a date, because who the hell asks someone to an AA meeting as a date? Clearly this sort of arrangement qualifies for him. After the meeting I tell him that I am not dating right now. He gets weird and gives me one of those long hugs goodbyes where he won’t let go and it feels creepy. I realize that this is exactly the kind of man that when I’m jonesing for attention reels me in and we end up dating for a few weeks before I figure out what a freak he is and back out slowly with a major feeling of doom and dread hanging over my head.
· Week three… I’m relating to people in a professional and non-sexual way and I’m feeling very smart, very capable and surprisingly confident. I am also eating everything in sight as if being acknowledged for having a brain means I no longer have a body.
· Week four… labor day weekend at the shore, a wedding and my family. A recipe for experiment failure. But, I find myself pausing, biting my tongue, letting others talk—not chiming in. I find that when I don’t talk and carry the conversation and I let a little silence hang in the air… someone else fills it. And by filling it, this person feels important.

Evaluation

· A big part of my personality and spirit is tied up in attention seeking behavior. It’s sort of who I am. So, who am I without it?
· Attention seeking behavior is ultimately self-seeking and yet masks itself in the guise of generously “entertaining” others.
· By seeking attention I’ve alienated and hurt people I care about. I can no longer count on one hand the number of women friends who say that I become a different, less likeable woman in groups. I see now how my attention seeking insults in their direction caused them pain.

Results

· Day 31… went to a party hosted by Nicole Ritchie and spent the evening charming the bartender and flirting with everything that walks. My drunk friends hardly noted my teasing them, they just laughed. End of night, three drunk girlfriends, Brian has my number in his pocket, Everyone thinks I’m fab.
· Next day… No one calls.

The Experiment - Day Three

Three days into my "no men" for a month experiment and I'm already grumpy. Trying to go cold turkey from men and shopping.... and well, I'm only 12 hours into my anti-new shoe campaign. This shit is hard and I needed a reward. Wedges make everything in life less painful. And it beats watching old seasons of Sex in the City.

Friday night I attended a white party at the loft of a wealthy retired investment banker from Ireland.

The cast of All My Children sandwiched me on the dance floor and I made excuses to slip away to the roof. I was tempted to flirt it up with the short guy who enjoyed bragging about his bit part as 'Jock #1" in the runaway hit "Girl Next Door". He was eyeing me most the night, but I purposely avoided eye contact as he made his goodbyes and lingered around my group of girlfriends before giving up, grabbing his paint splattered designer jacket and hitting the road with the rest of his pretty boy posse. Sure, it would have been a good story to tell--but I still would have been alone on Monday morning.

Saturday night, I did the unthinkable. I went out... with a couple. We had dinner, talked about life, caught an indie flick and I was in bed by 12:30. Sunday, I cancelled plans with a guy friend that I knew would have resulted in shameless flirting and games that culminated in a long and lusty kiss goodnight and a week of avoiding his calls and 'let's just go back to being friends' chat next Sunday night. Instead, I met some girlfriends and more couple friends for a late Sunday afternoon brunch at a restaurant in SOHO.

At the AA meeting tonight, I kept myself from scanning the meeting room for cute men, focused on the topic and shared my insight on a Big Book reading. Still afterwards, I was approached by this adorable grad student getting his executive MBA at Columbia. The old me (from 3 days ago) would have manipulated a group 24 Hour Diner experience and tossed a casual invite his way. At dinner, I would have been witty and smart--getting him to walk me to the subway stop and then exchanged numbers on the corner. But I resisted, spoke professionally and kindly with him and then busied myself with my women friends until he sulked away.

I've stacked myself with work this week so that no boy can find his way into the mix. 27 days and counting... I'm just praying that every single man in the city isn't married by the 20th of September.

The Experiment - Day One

Today is day one of my social experiment.

For thirty days, I pledge:

no boys
no flirting
no attention seeking behavior
no dates
no extended eye contact
no free coffees
no batting eyelashes
no resting on my femenine laurels

Just me. All the time. Can I do it?

Boy Overdose

Last weekend, tucked away in a girlfriends hidden beach house on Long Island, I met with fifteen unlikely friends and we had what turned out to be a women’s AA retreat. Like true New York women in recovery, half the group stripped off layers of black clothing, lay their white bodies out on the sand, doused their tattoos with sunscreen and sat up periodically to smoke cigarettes. The other half, with no tattoos or piercings, slipped out of Indian sarongs, sat in lawn chairs reading trash magazines, sipped lemonade through straws, and forwent the sunscreen. Subsequently, I’ve spent the past week rubbing layers of dead skin off my reddened chest. The two halves mixed evenly on the beach and later into the night when we stayed up counting stars and giving one another advice on boy troubles. That's when I got the idea for the social experiment.

It started when L called me out on my excessive dating.

“I’m really not looking for anything serious. I just enjoy dating,” I said.

“Do any of these men have potential?” she asked.

“No, but they're fun.”

“Do you think you might want something serious with someone in the future?” she probed.

“Sure, but I’m not ready," I said quietly.

L looked at me rather matter-of-factly, “I used to date a lot of men I new weren’t going anywhere. I also thought I really didn't want a relationship. But then truth is that I did want a relationship, just not with any of the men that I was dating. And dating those guys was keeping me from meeting someone I could really care about.”

She shrugged, rubbed her wedding ring on her sweats and resumed pointing out constellations with the rest of the ladies. I paused, sipped my lemonade, and started thinking.

I couldn't stop thinking about what she had said for the next 48 hours.

Do I really want a relationship? I guess I do someday, but I’m totally freaked out about the idea of one right now. I’m not good at them. I always fuck them up. Besides, relationship=boring in my mind. And I’m not ready to find a pint of Ben and Jerry's and netflixs a hot Sunday night date. Fear of relationships is such a cliche. Is it really possible I have fallen into the trap?

To combat fear, I normally exert a tremendous amount of control over my life. And when I try to control my life, I lose sight of what “the spiritual part of my being” has in store for me. Dating men that I don’t see a future with is my way of shielding me from the pain of being alone or being in a dysfunctional boring relationship. These "fun" men are my condoms against the penetration of something more serious and potentially more painful. But what if that is what I really need. If I let go of trying to control the situation will I open myself up to something great? I decided to give it a try.

I came back to New York convinced I need to let go of the men in my life that hold no future promise. So basically, I broke it off with the six or so guys I was dating. It was actually quite easy once I decided it was the right thing to do. The day after I spoke with the last broken fling, I felt a vacuum of loneliness and I compounded the feeling by isolating and turning inward. I began to feel like there was no one out there thinking of me. It made me really hungry. I craved carbs.

But it’s an experiment and I want to see what happens if I let go completely and have a little trust in the powers above. Can I let go completely and only date men that have potential of becoming something serious? Can I let go of a man once I begin to realize I wont ever be happy with the level of commitment or effort he is bringing to the relationship? Can I turn down really steamy kisses in unlit doorways with hot foreign men whose names I will likely forget in three to four weeks?

What will become of my social experiment?