Wanted: Full-Time Stay-At-Home Mom, Pays -$500 a week, No Breaks and No Benefits

Dear Ms. Story Brynne:

It is with great enthusiasm that I submit my application for consideration for the position of Full-Time Stay-at-Home Mom. Ewe R. Daddy recommended I apply, and I think you will find from a review of my resume and background that I will make an excellent addition to your Development Team. A position on your team would be a great asset to my personal growth and bring me closer to my goals of enlightenment as an individual. Three particular areas of my background will contribute to the growth and success of your future.

My entrepreneurial background will be a valuable asset as you develop your navigation plan in the coming months. I worked my way through college by building my own guerilla marketing company, supplying attractive young men and women to local beer and liquor distributors for promotional events. Just as I was able to grow a $500-a-month weekend job into a $10,000-a-month thriving business, I plan to increase your weight by 20% by Christmas and 50% by September 2011. I am a skilled self-starter and can be of great assistance as you learn to pull yourself up off the ground without pulling heavy objects over onto yourself. Together, we can build you up from a baby wearing number 3 diapers and eating number 1 baby food, to a toddler wearing number 5 diapers and eating number 3 baby food.

When I got my MA in International Affairs, I studied Italian and Serbo-Croatian, spending a year in Italy learning culinary arts and a year in Bosnia building a youth employment program. My extensive language and culture background, coupled with five years of high school Spanish, will prove useful as you develop your first few words and string together sentences of great intellectual depth. With my help, you can be uttering, “Ma-ma, more ba-ba” and “Da-da, poo-poo, change me”, before the end of the next fiscal year. My international travels throughout Eastern and Central Europe demonstrate that I am accustomed to figuring out what people want, even when they are rapidly uttering unintelligible gibberish. I look forward to interpreting your needs with cultural sensitivity and helping you find the right words to ease your entrance into society.

As you move towards your teens, you will be looking for someone with well-developed consulting skills. When I first began working with CEOs, Board Chairs and senior level executives, I had to learn to keep my ego in check. It was more important to my paycheck that my clients feel they were coming up with the ideas than it was for me to get credit for my hard work. This skill will be especially valuable while doing science projects together, going over math problems and learning phonics. It will be especially helpful while working with a teenage daughter. I hope to be able to bite my tongue as often as possible when you think you are the center of the universe. My experiences advising senior level leadership with patience, trying very hard not to be condescending and suppressing eye-rolls, will be extremely valuable to your progressing self-esteem.

My counsel built a $650 million capital campaign plan, raised $30 million for a science museum, brokeraged a partnership between the Gates Foundation, the United Nations Foundation and the United Methodist Church, and thwarted a terrorist attack during the 2002 Bosnian elections – yet I know I will still find it a challenge helping you pick out an appropriate dress for your first prom and finding the right words to heal your first broken heart. Ms. Story, these are exactly the sorts of challenges that I seek in a new position.

With the recent depletion of the funds in my 401 k plan, I am ready to begin work ASAP. I will contact your offices in the morning to find the best time between naps and feeding for us to meet. I look forward to discussing the position over a breast.

Sincerely – Ewe R. Mama