Monday, March 12, 2007

Sobriety Rules!

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to show up this Thursday, between 7:30 and 8:00 PM at the house of Jane Schmo.

Possible obstacles include the following:

Obstacle #1 – My apartment will not be accessible on Thursday. Instead, you will be expected to enter the apartment from the back alley. Some of you may be accustomed to these sorts of entrances. Don't be alarmed by the garbage and cars. I will leave a subtle marker on the gate from the alley. But use your training. Do not be discouraged!!! No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to following directions. Call if you are utterly lost.

Obstacle #2 – You have been asked to bring something edible, small and capable of being eaten without using silverware. This is a tricky assignment and for some of you might be so overwhelming you will want to stay home. But don't give up hope! We alcoholics, are quite creative. Many things do not need silverware. Chips, nuts, and cupcakes for example. And the truth is, that I would rather have you than your tiny food. So eliminate this potential excuse for cancellation. I will provide the napkins, plates and beverages… and there will be plenty of food!

Obstacle #3 – You can't stand f'ing alcoholics. Me either!! That's why I like you. And to be honest, most of the people coming can't stand f'ing alcoholics either. So come be grumpy and antisocial with us. Misery loves company.

Obstacle #4 – You are socially awkward and hate parties. You have obviously never been to one of my parties. Buck up camper, I promise to make it as easy as possible. And if it really sucks, just remember that pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth.

If any of these obstacles prove too harrowing to overcome, and you choose not to accept this mission, please RSVP. But should you choose to accept this mission, I promise gratuitous non-alcoholic beverages, gluttonous amounts of cheese, cramped enough quarters to force human interaction, plenty of examples to see people practicing the principles in all their affairs and quality fellowship.

This message will self-destruct the minute it hits your trash box.

Agent Schmo

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