Friday, August 19, 2005

New Shoes and Shallow Sex

The birthday came and went and I muddled through. But not without pain and discovery. For some reason, this last week has been a complete struggle. I've been reaching for methods to feel different as if I am in some state of unbearable pain. My desire for new shoes and shallow sex is directly correlated to unwanted feelings of discomfort and pain.

It started as harmless birthday shopping and escalated into an uncontrollable desires to lay down the credit card and come home with overflowing bags of clothes and shoes that lay in a pile on the floor still sealed with colorful tissue paper.

I'm obsessed.

It's the same way I used to drink. I'm sitting in a cafe with a friend and while I nod my head and watch her lips move, I am thinking about the skirt I saw in the window at Anthropologie. Can I get it on-line when I get home??

The boy thing has been growing for a while now. This obsessive search for attention in the form of a date or a night of dressing up and shamelessly flirting with anything possessing a penis (Yes, that includes children and small animals) has been building momentum for the last three months. My social experiment was an attempt to stop this madness. But ever since I started the experiment, everyone looks hot. I'm jonesing for the UPS man, wondering what the Pakistani guy that makes my coffee is like in bed and thinking about calling the exterminator to just come over, fuck me, spray for ants and leave before I finish my last orgasm gasp.

I'm longing--no-crying out for something to remove my pain. What is so painful ??

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